I've written a number of journal entries, but often when I opened up, I withheld names, so nothing was absolutely sure to whom I was talking. It's been a while since I truly opened up my soul to the rest of the world, so forgive me. But, I need this. I need to know that what I'm about to say at least has a chance of being heard by those most deserving it. Because everyone deserves to know what they mean. Everyone deserves to be loved, and even more, everyone deserves to be told they are loved. By doing this, I am proving to myself that I can be a person of change. That may be a pointless statement to whoever reads this besides myself, but it doesn't really matter because it's a huge step for me and who I feel I'm supposed to be. And what better way to celebrate the new year than by making amends and showing a little bit of love?

Anyway, these next entries for those that once meant the world to me...and also for the ones that still do. I love you all and I want to thank you for being a part of my life, even if it may have been only for a moment of time. You've helped shape me into the person I am today, and I wouldn't be who I am had I never known you at all... If I don't mention you, please don't think I've forgotten you. Just know that it's taken me almost 23 years to get to where I am, and I'm pretty sure I'd be sitting here for another 23 if I were to mention absolutely everyone I could possibly think of being grateful for. So for now, these are ones with an importance that I still feel today, and not any particular order, either. I have no idea if any of them actually read this, but to me, it's still worth a shot, because I never have been good at talking deeply about the things that mean the most. It's so much easier for me to write what I feel. It may hard to grasp but that's just who I am. So I give you my heart of hearts.


First, I'd like to reach out to someone that had a major role in my life for only a few years, and yet has impacted my world in such a way that it's hard to look back and see when I didn't know him. Yes, Ricky, as you might have guessed, that person is you. Do you remember the night we first met? Now look at where we are, almost 7 years later. Seven years is a long time. And yet, even though we could now easily call ourselves strangers, you're friendship still means something to me. And I'm grateful that it does. Because with everything that's happened, I know it's happened for a reason. I'm not entirely pleased with the way things are now, for I'd much rather be in the days where things were much simpler. But as the past cannot be changed, nor can we go back in time, I must be grateful for what I have, and the time we did share. So I am, and so shall I be.

But know this: I do miss you. And if there ever comes a day in which we will really be friends again, I'll fight harder, and I'd like to think that you'd do the same. Never again would I cut off your friendship for the sake of someone else's temporary happiness. Through our ups and downs you taught me that nothing was more important, nothing would make me more at peace with myself, than to follow my own instinct and trust my heart, not the influence of another. Especially when it comes to who I should be friends with. No one else has the right to tell me who I can hang out with, and I am stupid to ever let it happen.

I also want to thank you, Ricky (and you'll always be Ricky in my eyes), for something that took me a long time to fully grasp. Forgiveness, and what is meant by the verse of Ephesians 4:32. "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." I always believed I forgave people easier than most, and I did. I still do, I'm sure. But after things really fell apart with us, I found it very hard to find that forgiveness that usually came so easy for me. I felt like I couldn't trust you. Even worse, I didn't want to. I was convinced that I needed to be able to trust you before I could forgive you. I was completely torn and ripped apart by the fact that you never fully trusted me -a piece of information that would still pierce deeply if I decided to dwell upon it. But that's not the point. I couldn't forgive you because I didn't know how. I thought I needed trust to be able to forgive, when in reality what I needed was to forgive so that I may be able to trust. I needed to forgive you so I could trust myself.

After months of deciding that no one could possibly forgive another human being like God does, and so there was no use trying, I found my peace. I found out I was wrong, and forgiveness like that can happen. I was able to see you through the eyes of God once again, and upon doing so, I realized that my reasons for not wanting to trust you were the very reasons I struggled so hard against to forgive you. Ricky, please know that these revelations came a good while ago and it has taken me even more time to realize that you should be told. You deserve to know that I forgive you. For everything. For the way you held things back from me. For losing my trust because you didn't know how to share with me that which I already knew. For pushing me away, probably at the times you needed me the most. Ricky, I really do forgive you. I'm sure others would like to forgive you as well, or maybe they are the ones with which you're struggling to forgive. Either way, just know this. Life is too short and too important to hold grudges.

Ricky, if ever you read this, then at least you'll know that your friendship meant something to me. And that it still does. All I can do is be grateful for what I've learned and who I've become just because I knew you. Maybe someday we'll be true friends again, only time will tell and only God knows if that is to be. But no matter where life takes us, or how different our lifestyles are, I will always believe you a friend. I wish you all the peace and joy you desire, not just this year, but for years and years to come.

My only prayer is this. I pray, Ricky, that the Lord God above is the one who directs your steps in life, and that you are at peace with Him. Because without peace with God, this world is a very lonely and dark place. No matter how many earthly pleasures we seek, and as long as we continue to make choices without Him, there will always be that void that cannot be filled but by the Love of our Savior. You may think I say this out of turn, or that it's not my place to say such things to you anymore, but if you look deep inside your heart, you know I'm right. I miss you my friend, and I wish you happiness. Until we meet again, know that you are not forgotten. Forgiven, yes, but forgotten, never. ~*Jess*~

Time Tested Beauty Tips

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in others.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.



***Although often mistakenly attributed as Audrey Hepburn's own work, "Time Tested Beauty Tips" was actually written by Sam Levenson. It was such a favorite of Audrey's that she quoted it often, but she never failed to credit it's true author. Over time, other people just assumed it was her own and gave her the credit. I stumbled upon this the other day while browsing, and I can't get it out of my head. It is nothing but words to truly live by, not only for women, but for men, children, and all human beings as well. It is truly a statement of something to strive for in life, a life truly worth living. ~Jess




The Beauty of a Woman

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from her in eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives and the passion that she shows.

The beauty of a woman with passing years only grows.


***When I first saw "Time Tested Beauty Tips", this second poem was attached, as if it were a part of the first. After looking a little more into it, I discovered that they are in fact two separate poems. The actual author of this one is not specifically clear, for it has been attributed to both Audrey Hepburn and Sam Levenson, as well as Maya Angelou & Ralph Fenger. I believe this can also be said true for a man as well, and I hope you all enjoy them & take them to heart as much as I have.

We go through life living in the moment. We ask questions and want immediate answers. And often, the things we think we want most are the very things we don't. We convince ourselves that we "need" them, because we no longer have them, and a part of us wants them. A part of what we have learned to become is missing, and the world around tells us that we are supposed to have it. We become comfortable, because life is satisfying to our own selfish needs. So change becomes a word of terror and deep down, instills fear into our minds. We allow society to shape our thinking, one way or another. We are forced to always have a "side" or a "view" that agrees with ones we "admire".

And often we get "our answers immediately". In a moments time, we realize what we've been wanting to know for so long. And yet, so often we push it aside and say, "that would've been nice to know then" or "now, it's too late to care anymore", because the answers didn't come in our timing. We go through hard times feeling sorry for ourselves and once things get better, we make them only a part of the past. We tell ourselves that this is how we are to learn, "What not to do next time." We put the blame on others because we can't admit to ourselves that we are imperfect. We tell ourselves it's better to put it the past and forget because "there is no other way to learn".

Because to admit something to ourselves is the last thing we need. If we do, then the very thing we don't want to admit, the very thing we hide from ourselves, becomes embedded into our thoughts; it takes over our dreams; it messes with our way of thinking. So we push it away, because it is what is easier. We allow our lives to continue in this manner throughout the entire course we're here. Which is the very reason why we all go through life every single day wondering why we're here and what are our purposes.

Subconsciously, we all know that to truly admit anything to ourselves, whether it be happiness or confusion, darkness or joy, means admission to God himself. Deep within our souls, our beings know what it is to fear God, and those souls are longing to know Him, to be like Him. And since our subconsciousness also knows that we are not God, nor never can be, we avoid Him. Because we are born into sin, we listen to the parts of us that defy Christ. We allow our thinking to settle for "good enough" and not strive for "the best". Since we don't try for the best in life, since we cover up the hard times, since we settle for pushing aside the entire truth from ourselves, our true being is never known. Our life meaning remains unclear. Because we refuse to let the part of us that God intended us to really be out. Because we are content in living the easy life instead of the one worth meaning. We complain through the hard times and once they're over, we act as if we made ourselves stronger, because we survived.

The truth of the matter is that we only partly open our eyes. We don't allow ourselves to think about how the hardships are shaping our being as we go through them, but only after they've past. We refuse to be thankful during those times because the part of us that generally has control, the easy part, the sin part, is broken a little bit. Our subconscious is trying to break out, trying to show us we only need one thing. And every person knows what that is. Because we were created in His image, by His hand. But to be in communication with the One who is the Ultimate Being means to be crazy and ridiculed, and our sin cannot allow that. When the good times return, we forget that for a moment in time we were exactly who we were designed to be. So we are convinced that it is far better to live as we've always done than to be different. Because to be different means to be a change. And to be a change would bring us back to the place all men fear most, the place in which jealously is stronger than the desire to know our own life's meaning....





Think About It.